Insights from the Couch
The last month of my life has been a wonderful surprise. No, I’m not jumping up and down that I broke my leg and have clocked more couch hours in the last 33 days than I have in as many years. And yet, this month has been full of gifts, big and small.
When the accident first occurred I went into hyper Michel fix-it mode. I didn’t want to call my mom until I knew everything was “ok.” I didn’t want to call Scott until I had all my classes covered and could say “No problem- I won’t let this won’t mess our growing business.” Behaviors like this went on and on – I was managing everyone else instead of focusing on my own healing.
Insight Number 1: I am a control freak!
Action: Do nothing. Be with it. I can’t fix it by resisting it, so I have to learn to be with it and laugh in those small moments when I can see it in action and choose to stop it.
As I was stuck with myself on the couch, observing all of this, I began to recognize a level of dishonesty under my well-meaning but controlling, fix-it behaviors. By trying to make everything ok and work for everyone else, I could see a level of falsehood that I live by sometimes – a lack of authenticity. I was exhausted. I needed inordinate amounts of sleep. I didn’t have the energy to do much, and yet I tried to convince myself and others that I could still so much from the couch. Of course, that is until my mom, dad and father-in-law all came to baby-sit me and wouldn’t allow my antics. Nothing like parents to call you out. Don’t get me wrong, 9 times out of 10, I can deliver on what I take on in big ways, but it comes at a cost that isn’t always healthy and I can’t always do everything I want to. This is where the inauthenticity lies. I need to be honest with myself and others about what is healthy, not just possible at the edge of insanity.
Insight Number 2: I am dishonest, especially about what I can give and do.
Action: Do nothing. Be with it. I can’t fix it by resisting it, so I have to learn to be with it and laugh in those small moments when I can see it in action and choose to stop it.
As I began to loosen my grip of trying to make everything ok for everyone else, some beautiful discoveries took shape. On the one hand, my forced pull back allowed others to step up in many, many ways. The people who I have supported in various ways showed up huge and selflessly for me. Second, it allowed the community at BLY, including the Luminators (front desk folks), the teachers, and even our awesome students, to take on community in a new way. The studio rocked in January, and I have all of you to thank.
Insight Number 3: When I get out of the way, others can shine.
Action: Do nothing. Be with it. Enjoy watching others be big for themselves and others and stay out of their way.
All of this led me to a deep sense of peace over the last 35 days. Yes, there have been moments when I want to crawl out of my skin. Moments when I would love the sensations of re-growing a leg to simply vanish. Moments when I have thought I would like to just chop my leg off rather than sit with this any longer, but oh how I have learned to sit, both figuratively and literally. And in truth, these painful moments have been quite rare. I have relished a stillness and ease and simple appreciation for being. I have felt ease, where I might have felt anger. I have felt peace, where I might have felt entrapment. I have known in my heart that this is ultimately ok – that I am doing more growing by being where I am than being out in the world. From this forced quite in my life, I will ultimately have more to give. I know that slowing down has been a wonderful, if required, gift.
Insight Number 4: This is a gift.
Action: Do nothing. Be with it. Don’t squander it!
As all the Buddhist monks, Taoist teachers, and yogis say, everything, very moment, is a potential moment for enlightenment, illumination and waking up. This month has been a beautiful sequence of joys, tears and a lot of waking up. As I ease into a more typical pace of life, I’m excited to see how I can bring this awareness and stillness with me!